Tools Explained

[shatto]

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Tools Explained


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive boat parts not far from the object we are trying to "adjust". Available in a variety of sizes, which is typically chosen based on the amount of time you have already wasted attempting to "solve a problem". Available with a head made of steel, plastic, brass or hard rubber. As a side note, only the steel head has a practical use, no logical use for the other materials has ever been discovered. Some models equipped with the fly away head option. AKA "Ford Wrench", "BFH", "Wound Inflicting Hammer"

RAZOR KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing boat covers and bimini tops.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Used for spinning steel pop rivets in their hole until you die of old age. Some larger models are capable of turning the users wrist in amazing directions never before imagined just as the bit starts to break through the material you?re drilling.

SLIP JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws. The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire where you would have liked to cut it.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above the bench grinder.

BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "DragBoat". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the boat trailer back to the ground after you?ve installed those new low profile tires, trapping the jack handle firmly under the chrome fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a trailer upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: a tool used for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters from your hand.

PHONE: Tool for calling your boating partner to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Also useful for canceling dinner reservations you and the wife had and ordering pizza delivery when the "three hour job" you started in the morning has now moved into the evening hours.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping dog doo off your shoes.

E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in broken bolts or studs and is ten times harder then any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument used for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO TON OVERHEAD HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground cables, fuel lines and electrical connectors you may have forgotten to disconnect.

?" X 16" SCREWDRIVER: A larger motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a boat battery to your pants and to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Used to round off the heads of bolts. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

RATCHET: Bolt removal tool typically equipped with a breakaway pop-top. This tool can also double as a hammer. Used with sockets that automatically fall off when you get near the bolt you want to remove. Sockets typically fall off and run and hide like critters. Changing directions requires a deft touch and a smart rap on a hard surface, and it might hold?and it might not?..not for the high blood pressure types.

TIN SNIPS: From the same family as the hacksaw. Comes in right and left handers, but neither will go where you want it without religious training. Perfect for ruining light- weight steel, copper, aluminum, brass, etc.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is otherwise not found under engine hatches at night. Health benefits aside, it?s main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that the 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of containers and splash the contents onto your shirt. Doubles as a center punch, can also be used as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes the energy produced by a power plant 100 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty trailer bolts last tightened 10 years ago by someone in Missouri, and rounds them off.

[GasSavers_RoadWarrior]

CORDLESS POWER TOOL: A device for leaking electric charge fast enough such that you can only just about start a cut or hole gently. This saves skipping off the piece first with your corded tool and damaging the cord.

CHUCK KEY: A device for locating hidden corners, forgotten pockets, and parts jars you swear you haven't opened in 5 years. Allows occasional use to change bits between expeditions to dark corners of workshop.

WOOD CHISEL: Device for scoring gasket surfaces and removing freeze plugs.

CHEATER PIPE: Device for snapping heads off stubborn bolts.

MALLET: Device for inflicting impact damage more slowly than a hammer.

FILTER MASK: Handy piece of safety equipment, commonly employed to mist up safety goggles when high powered cutting or grinding tools are in use, thus avoiding the stomach churning experience of actually seeing yourself remove your fingertip.

SAFETY GOGGLES: Viewing equipment designed to collect scratches and distort vision enough for you to cry off the honeydo list with a splitting headache.

CONTINUITY TESTING LAMP: A tool for storing dead bulbs, such that huge relief is experienced when you finally discover that not all circuits are dead.

SURFORM/BODY FILE: an easy method to chip and gouge previously unmarked paintwork 12 or even 18 inches away from the wheelarch you're working on.

JACK STAND: Tool for divining weak structural members.

RATCHET WRENCH: A tool for teaching appropriate use of force by randomly skipping and skinning knuckles.

3/8 or 1/2 DRIVE UNIVERSAL JOINT: A tool for making the socket + UJ extension just as tall as the socket+wrench you couldn't get in there in the first place.

TAPE MEASURE: An instrument for determining the precise dimension of the aperture that you are about to undersize a component for. Or later used to determine that yes, you have indeed undersized it.

1/4 HEX DRIVE BITS: Tools designed to give the handyman a fairer shot than the common or garden flat or phillips screwdriver, chance is now only 50% you'll strip the head of the screw and 50% you'll strip the easily replaceable bit.

TITANIUM DRILL BITS: High priced premium drill bits for wandering off center that much more rapidly. Create false hope by drilling about 1/8 into broken "easy outs" taps, other drill bits, before going extremely and expensively blunt.

CENTER PUNCH: Tool for determining where you should have drilled.

SPARK PLUG GAP TOOL: Instantly makes any gap too large.

SIDE CUTTERS: Tool for cutting nearly halfway through small bolts.

BOLT CUTTERS: Tool for cutting all the way through small bolts, provided there is 3ft of clear unobstructed space all around them. Setting the bolt you need cut on it's own in the middle of an empty floor is the optimum usage condition.

CUTOFF WHEEL: Tool for cutting 3/4 of the way through a bolt from one side only, before the mandrel hits something.

COLD CHISEL: Tool for ineffectively getting through the last 1/4 of the bolt, requiring huge effort with BFH for minimal gain, until the last wafer of metal remains, whereupon with the lightest tap it will ricochet round the wheelarch or engine compartment with the destructive force of a stray .50 Browning, puncture testing fuel and brake lines.

AIR CHISEL: Tool for making interesting peening patterns on things you would otherwise use a cold chisel and BFH on.

AIR RATCHET: Cross thread bolts with ease.

BLOWOFF GUN: Transforms any small amount of random debris into razor sharp eye seeking projectiles.

TAP WRENCH: Device for blocking threaded or smoothbore holes with hardened tool steel plugs.

OIL FILTER STRAP WRENCH: Tool useful for wearing the paint off siezed oil filters.

[GasSavers_RoadWarrior]

CLAW HAMMER: Tool for ripping the heads off errant nails.

WD-40: Substance used to apply a flammable substrate to previously inert metal objects you will later decide to use a torch on.

ANTI-SEIZE COMPOUND: Commonly used to allow just enough yield in a fastening system to avoid snapping the bolt while busily engaged in rounding the head off.

DUCT TAPE: Method of applying tenacious sticky white substance to items you will later get round to fixing properly.

CARPENTERS PENCIL: Imprecision generation device for when ordinary pencils don't leave wide and ambiguous enough marks.

SANDING BLOCK: A cunningly designed artifact invented by the Marquis de Sade that forces users knuckles into an exposed position thus ensuring use in restricted areas is particularly tedious and overenthusiasm is punished.

PIPE FLARING TOOL: A tool often employed to further the development of forward thinking.

PIPE CUTTING TOOL: A tool used to cut the flares off pipes that you forgot to put the fitting on.

FUNNEL: A device which allows a large area for the collection of rust flakes, grit and organic debris that otherwise might miss the narrow hole you're trying to get lubricant into.

BLOCK PLANE: A tool for the discovering of broken nails and the removal of knots.

CONTOUR GAUGE: A tool useful to ensure that your workpiece meets a complex shape at only 2 points.

BENCH VISE: A cunning mechanical-acoustic contraption that amplifies and tunes the vibration of any item clamped in it to a frequency guaranteed to set your teeth on edge when you attempt to file or saw it.

NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS: Handy tool for assisting in the firing of circlips and brake springs across the workshop.

CIRCLIP PLIERS: Fires circlips across the workshop with greater accuracy.

WIRE STRIPPERS: Versatile device that can either be used to stretch the insulation 1 inch beyond the end of a given wire, or to neatly score and crack the bared end of wire in an unnoticable fashion such that it breaks off 2 seconds after you've crimped or soldered it to something.

COARSE BASTARD: The handyman moments after hammering his thumb, alternatively a term for a type of large file kept around for amusement value before the advent of angle grinders.

PIPE WRENCH LARGE: A multi-purpose hugely versatile tool. Can be used for flattening and ripping stuck oil filters that you've previously removed the paint off. Makes intricate knurled patterns on recalcitrant tie rods. Substitutes for any hammer that's just too far away. May also be used for rounding exceptionally large nuts.

RTV SEALANT: A substance applied in copious amounts to any mating surfaces to ensure adequate internal leakage under compression such that narrow coolant or oil passages may be conveniently blocked. While easily breaking off internally it will affix itself to said mating surfaces strongly enough to tempt scoring of same with the wood chisel if removal is desired.

PUTTY SPREADER: A miracle of modern multi-mode variable surface friction technology, being too slippy to engage spackle, bondo, etc in the pot, changing to a tenacious and magnetic attraction for same that pulls it back out of the hole when attempting to smooth off.

PULLER: A tool for damaging bearings, gears or pulleys in ways that mere simple prying cannot achieve. Be sure to obtain a quality model that also pushes for those instances where "Re-assembly is the reverse of removal"

TRIANGULAR FILE: A device employed for reaming when your 1/2 drill bit appears to only make 7/16 holes. Also slots torx, hex or robertson heads for later stripping with flat blade screwdriver. May also be employed to flatten off rounded bolt heads so that they may be re-rounded with a wrench a couple of sizes smaller.

POP RIVET GUN: A device for inserting loosely clamping and easily sheared sheetmetal fasteners that nevertheless aggressively resist convenient deliberate removal by spinning under a drillbit. Good for achieving annoying rattles when the spreader ends fall out into an enclosed body panel. Can be used to progressively shave the shaft of the rivet without actually pulling on it.

MULTIMETER: An indispensable tool for electrical trouble-missing, a technique whereby one confirms that 99% of the electrics still work, as a displacement/avoidance activity to dealing with that awkward SOB 1% that, for reasons unknown, doesn't.

WIRING DIAGRAM: A schematic notionally similar to the layout of the electrics in a given vehicle, much as a chicken is notionally similar to a T-Rex.

RAZOR BLADE SCRAPER: A tool that holds a single edge razor blade in a fashion such that it will randomly slide out, swivel 90 degrees and come back at the users knuckles. Commonly used, very gingerly, for putting really fine scratches and gouges in gasket surfaces.

STEEL WOOL: Material mainly used for imparting a shinier finish to rust while inserting steel slivers in the fingertips.

WRECKING BAR: A large tool possessing multiple cunningly hidden sharp edges that assist in slashing the rubber boots on balljoints or tie-rod ends when attempting to pry them from the clamp or test for free play. Also handy for bending wheel studs while counteracting the torque generated in attempting to break free the hub/axle nut that you forgot to loosen while the vehicle was on the ground.

SCISSOR JACK: A balky time consuming method of using gravity to move a vehicle forward or backward 1ft at a time, according to which end you're trying to raise.

WHEEL CHOCKS: A simple wedge to defeat the forward or rearward motion generated by falling off the scissor jack and encourage the vehicle to move sideways.

10-10-2008, 12:48 PM
MITRE BOX: A jig for cutting wood at precise angles of 29, 62, 89 or 47 degrees.

TUBING BENDER: A tool for flattening tubing in a controlled manner.

7/16 RING WRENCH: A tool for curving or bending brake lines you don't want flattened. Also a labor saving tool requiring less effort for rounding 10mm heads than does the 10mm wrench you meant to grab.

PRESSURE WASHER: A pumping device driven by an electric or internal combustion motor that allows one to use water at high pressure to transform messy dried on bug splatters into thoroughly clean blistered and peeling paintwork.

[GasSavers_RoadWarrior]

CREEPER: A low, friction reduced, platform chiefly useful for demonstrating Newton's Third Law when you decide to give that wrench one last good haul. So named because wherever you last left it, whenever you're standing with your head under the hood, thoroughly absorbed, it will creep to the place where you're about to put your foot.

EAR DEFENDERS: A portable sauna device for the ears, designed to sweat wax out manfully instead of having to take the Miata to get your ears candled. Also protects one from constitutionally damaging sounds such as "My mother's here to visit dear!".

STAKING TOOL: A chisel or punch you paid more than $30 for.

GLASS CUTTER: A theoretically diamond tipped device for making unsightly scratches across the middle off what will turn out to be the remaining "good" piece of glass after you have tried to size it.

MAGNETIC PICKUP TOOL: Telescoping magnetic device often responsible for endless hours of amusement in attempting to fish out dropped screws, washers or bushings, that on later complete teardown of the complicated assembly that they fell into, humorously prove to be plated brass.

DEFLECTING BEAM TORQUE WRENCH: Careful observation of pointer deflection while using this wrench will instantly let you know that you should have used a grade 8 bolt when the pointer flicks suddenly to zero before torque spec is achieved.

AWL: Sharp pointy object for fishing/stabbing/prying out internal seals and picking out timing marks.

ZIPTIE: Fastener for bundling wire or hose, has the miraculous property of not being able to be cut from the inside, outwards, no matter how sharp the knife you manage to slip under it, thus necessitating attack with sharp object towards the vulnerable wiring or hose.

1/2" WRENCH: Typically found in slightly melted condition due to common use of it to distractedly short battery terminals to fender, rad support or each other while attempting to loosen or tighten them.

15mm WRENCH: Tool that has too little leverage to budge GM serpentine belt tensioner.

15mm SOCKET: Tool that in combination with breaker bar and cheater pipe that is too tall to fit on a GM belt tensioner.

8mm WRENCH: Tool for stripping brass brake bleed nipples.

C-CLAMP 5": A tool for pressing brake cylinder pistons back into their bores after you just used an 8mm to round off the nipple.

C-CLAMP 10": Can be used in pairs to bring excitement to the chore of compressing suspension coil springs.

20D NAIL: No, no, no, that's a punch...

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: A worm and rack adjustable jawed wrench for when a conventional wrench-to-head or nut interface does not exhibit enough slop for your satisfaction. Many feature the convenient self adjusting mode where the set of the jaws changes each time you apply it.

WOODEN BLOCK: A multipurpose device consisting of a scrap of 2x4 with a magical property to attract oil or other fluids, becoming a non-descript brown or mottled black within seconds of first use. At least it's hard to remember when they were ever clean lumber. Some theorise that blocks in long use in established shops were cut from a rare Nji-Noil tree found in the tropics, whose wood comes in a browny mottled black color. Used to interface a BFH to an object that despite your desire to beat on furiously, you contrarily don't want to mark, dent or mar. Used piled in threes on top of jackstands or blocks when the relative stability of the solo use of the latter becomes tiresome. Also a handy source of incendiary activity when laying aside a torch.

RANDOM TOOLBOX CONTENTS:

6" OF GARDEN HOSE: To assist in the crossthreading of spark plugs.

BATTERED 1/4 TUBE CLEAR SILICONE CONTACT GREASE: Leaks from many cracks and assists in the rust protection of tools and toolbox bottom. Occasionally used to protect the delicate sulphur coating of battery terminals, or increase the suction seal of plug wire boots.

3 MYSTERIOUS BRASS FITTINGS: They'll come in handy.

BENT TIPPED BUTTER KNIFE WITH SMEARS OF RTV AND JB WELD: Shhh, don't tell the wife.

[GasSavers_RoadWarrior]

SPARKPLUG FILE: An abrasive tool, used counter intuitively on the end of a plugs core to flake chunks out of the side, in the belief that this will improve the plugs operation.

INDUCTIVE NEON SPARK TESTER: A small testing tool, barely able to be held without leaking fingers everywhere, that flashes a dim orange light every time you get a shock from your knuckles brushing the spark wire.

PENCIL TYPE TIRE PRESSURE GAUGE: A device for testing that the flow rate of your tire valves is up to scratch. Also useful for checking on the eyesight or aerobic flexibility of the health conscious mechanic.

SPARKPLUG SOCKET: A special 5/8 or 13/16 socket with a rubber or foam liner that is designed to hold a sparkplug firmly and only release it when there's less than an inch to go to the plug hole, or just beyond your waiting fingertips.

JUMPER CABLES: Equipment frequently used to boil batteries or destroy alternators.

BOOSTER PACK: A piece of equipment that confers great peace of mind in emergencies. Typically will be used on cold winter morning, when the ignition only just clicks, to confirm that the motor is not completely seized by turning it slowly though half a revolution, before going to the trouble of inviting a friend over to short out his alternator.

TIMING LIGHT: A device for rendering dangerously unknowledgeable, annoyingly-enthusiastic, but epileptic would-be helpers harmless. Occasionally used to justify stripping out the distributor hold-down bolt.

ANTIFREEZE TESTER: An instrument for testing antifreeze concentration and theoretically condition, consisting of a specially calibrated hydrometer, complete with adjusted scale and lookup charts. Typically employed for 15 minutes every season change to justify not just wasting half an hour of your time every couple of years changing out the coolant.

SELF BLEED BRAKE KIT: Allows the bleeding of brakes by only one and a half people.

"UNIVERSAL" VALVE SPRING COMPRESSOR: A tool so universal that if you have had 4 different cars you've done headwork on, you now own 5 different types. The n+1 rule invariably applies, where n is the number of different vehicles, because the first time you bought one, it "almost" worked, before developing an eye for the damn things. When faced with a new engine, you inevitably go through the ritual of trying them all on the offchance that this time you'll get lucky. Some hearsay sources rumor that a mechanic or two has gotten away with only purchasing n of these devices, by the expedient of finding someone with that same engine, extracting information from them and screeching to the store they got it from in a cloud of tire smoke seconds before they went NS1.

CHIPPING HAMMER: A tool used for firing lumps of glowing slag down the neck of one's shirt. Alternatively used to fire lumps of glowing slag into the top of one's boot.

CODE READER: An electronic diagnostic tool that queries the vehicles failure to operate correctly by interrogating the Engine Control Unit. This returns a runelike code, which with the assistance of a booklet may be interpreted into a simplistic one line phrase that doesn't cover the dozen or so eventualities that could actually cause it. This is somehow regarded as more scientific and diagnostically thorough than just guessing in the first place.

DREMEL: An electrical toy wannabe die grinder often used for making chicken scratches at real world workpieces.

DIE GRINDER: A real world tool, adequately powered for inflicting rapid real world damage on unsuspecting castings, magnetically attracted to valve seats.

HYPODERMIC OILER: A plunger operated device that is used in the lubrication of bowden type cables such as throttle and brake cables. A typical application would be to insert the needle into the open end of the cable sleeve, while enthusiastically squeezing the plunger, causing the lubricating oil to enter the cable at high velocity and return into the users eye.

[GasSavers_RoadWarrior]

ELECTRICAL TAPE: A tape for hiding ugly twisted wire splices, so that they may be conveniently be ignored and forgotten.

HOSE CLAMP: A device for exercise and proficiency testing in the use of screwdrivers. Consists of a worm screw mounted at a tangent to a slotted hoop which must be chased 360* around the circular object you are attempting to secure by turning the screw.

EXHAUST CLAMP: A device to supply sufficient excess sacrificial steel to effectively rust bond a muffler onto the cat or tailpipe.

TONGS: A tool reminiscent of a ganglingly awkward pair of pliers, employed to assist in the fumbling, spilling or dropping of any dangerously hot object or liquid, in a theoretical short enough time such that the metal they are made of doesn't conduct much of that heat to the user.

SINK PLUNGER: A handy suction cup like device for transforming a sink full of standing water into a sink full of scummy, reeking, black standing water.

PLUMBERS TAPE: For those days when all the screws you can find are a size too small.

JB WELD: Mythical fix-all that may freely be used to restore valve seats, mend con-rods and reprofile cams.

FUSE EXTRACTOR: A tool that may be efficiently, accurately and safely used to damage fuses.

4-WAY LUG WRENCH: A tool effective in achieving contusions to the chin or asphalt rash to the knuckles while attempting to remove a lug nut.

CAULKING GUN: A dual mode tool consisting of a trigger and plunger that holds a tube of caulk or sealant such that it may be conveniently dispensed in either hair-thin threads or goose egg sized dollops.

EMERGENCY ESCAPE TOOL: A tool that in the event of an accident may be used to cut a seatbelt or smash through glass to avoid being burned alive, that the wife insists lives in the trunk where tools "belong".

MULTI-TOOL: A tool designed to bring bulky uncomfortable handles and the convenience of rounding nuts and stripping screws to simple pocket knives.

BENCH GRINDER: A tool for rapidly shortening chisels while mesmerized by the pretty sparks.

OILY RAG: A safety device employed in the vicinity of the bench grinder, to attract sparks and emit a smelling salts type smoldering odor, breaking the hypnotic trance of the grinder user before the chisel is too short to effectively gouge gasket surfaces.

TORQUE ANGLE METER: An instrument to measure how far a used car seller is bending the truth....

[shatto]

Goddam!!
Found your 'ON' switch

[R.I.D.E.]

And last but not least.

THE COMPUTER

Designed to make your learning processes obsolete, your carefully learned multiplication tables a joke.

Your mind and reading comprehension turn in to useless smooth gray jello as you forget all the childhood lessons that actually required real pain and talent.

Finally in the last act of destruction of the human persona, when you get a basic grasp on how the machine actually works and becomes a slightly useful tool for your gelatin filled evacuated brain cavity.

Bill Gates screws you again and introduces an new operating system, which is totally reverse wired to your few remaining cranial synapses that were established when you actually had to read books like the Bible and The Rise and fall of the Third Reich.

regards
gary

[VetteOwner]

I would change the hammer to a high speed linear adjustment tool that seeks and dystroys thumbs

[Jay2TheRescue]

Chinese 8mm open end wrench: Tool specifically designed to screw up the hex head on GM side post battery terminals, making it virtually impossible to remove the battery without arc-welding a pair of vise-grips to the fender.