Parenting help needed....kinda.

[theholycow]

Originally Posted by Jay2TheRescue

Without a child, who will you pass the Buick on to?

The way things are going, I'll pass it on to a scrap metal company. If I have a kid I'm sure my non-existent budget for it will remain non-existent.

[GasSavers_maximilian]

Originally Posted by theholycow

However, I posted this same thread on another forum with a lot more parents on it, and I haven't heard a single report of a parent who regrets being a parent. Not one.

You cannot trust such public polling. There is a great deal of social pressure not to admit regret about having children. A mother just wrote a book about essentially that very thing, and has taken immense flak for it (mentioned in this article). Also, there's undoubtedly a lot of self-deception about regretting having children. It's a well establish psychological principal that people frequently rationalize large mistakes rather than accept them. The most extreme examples are those who believe in faith healing who wind up killing their kids but profess not to regret it later.

[GasSavers_BEEF]

I just turned 30 and recently adopted my first child (probably my only child). I did want children. my wife wanted children more than myself.

it is truly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I also worked it out and she is costing me about $1000 a month between childcare, formula, diapers, wipes, and clothes. all this and she is 8 months old.

I would say that if you don't want kids or have no desire for children that you should talk with your wife about it because if you do this and realize that it isn't something you can live with, you can't just undo it.

I used to say, you can sell a house or a car if you realize it was a bad idea but a child is yours at least until they are 18 and usually far past that.

all of that being said, I do love my daughter with all of my heart and wouldn't give her up for the world.

[R.I.D.E.]

There is also the instinct factor that should not be ignored. When financial issues become a consideration as they have in today's job market, the lack of a feeling of financial security will affect the choice to have or not have children.

The lifetime employment, insurance, and retirement circumstances of many in earlier times gave them a feeling of security where the long term commitment of children was a much easier choice.

In today's job environment for the vast majority of people job security is more of a dream than a reality. In today's situation you may (and I mean may) see the extended family unit and the proximity of your siblings and parents become an increasing important factor in your decision. For my family that has certainly been the case. My parents have been a crucial factor in the growth of their grandchildren. Not to the point that they were a substitute for day care when both parents had to work, but more of another option that provided a real sense of security.

HC, you don't need convincing of anything. You need to sit down with the wife and consider all the factors of your specific situation. If we affect your decision it could always be the wrong decision regardless of how we persuade you to go with the decision.

If uncertainty is the real reason you have serious reservations, then you need to go through the various possible scenarios. This would be the best way to really take a really hard look at the possible consequences of the final choice.

If your relationship is fragile, then you have a real catch 22 type situation. In that case the best choice may be the status quo, because that may be as good as it gets. I know my two step daughters always slept in until after 10AM, when they were single. After marriage and children those days are over for decades.

I wake up most days with the rising sun.


regards
gary

[FrugalFloyd]

To counter Maximilian's point about polls, I think if you polled non-parents, you'd find a surprisingly large percentage who wish they could have/would have been parents. Regardless of the poll results, YMMV.

For me, having children was like taking an Erector set or chemistry kit, and building a butterfly chrysalis from scratch, then releasing the butterfly. Kids are a grander project than restoring that '57 Chevy, or making that R/C airplane fly successfully. When I'm gone, my children and grandkids will talk about funny or dear old Grandpa, and have a good laugh at the crazy things I did. That's more satisfying to me than the few other mentions of me that will appear in some dull book or monument, or stories by co-workers that may live on in my former office.

My daughter is married to a full Colonel in the USAF. He pulls down a 6 figure income. Their oldest is out of the nest, and #2 is a high school senior. My son and daughter-in-law are just starting their family, and are great parents, doing pretty well for a family that might just fit under the poverty definition. I tell people I have the cutest/best grandkids an unbiased grandparent can have, and it's the truth. You can't buy that experience in a hobby shop or a botique with all the money in the world.

[GasSavers_BEEF]

HC,

regardless of what anyone on here says, you have to live with the decision. we can all speculate and tell you the positives and negatives but in the end, you are living with that decision.

sometimes it is hard to determine what is best for yourself. in this situation, only you can determine that.

that is a sucky statement but true none the less.

even my wife that works with kids daily and has for 12 years now admits that it was much harder than she thought. we also both work full time (at a minimum as we both have demanding careers) and have other obligations that we couldn't let go of as well.

[GasSavers_maximilian]

Originally Posted by SentraSE-R

I think if you polled non-parents, you'd find a surprisingly large percentage who wish they could have/would have been parents. Regardless of the poll results, YMMV.

That strikes me as not very reliable. It's easy to regret not doing things or lost opportunities. I'm not trying to discourage THC from having kids, but want to make sure he has properly balanced info. I actually like kids; their love of learning is very appealing. For myself, I just don't think it would offset the negatives. Being an uncle seems like the sweet deal to me.

[theholycow]

Originally Posted by BEEF

we can all speculate and tell you the positives and negatives but in the end, you are living with that decision.

That's pretty much what I'm looking for. I'm well aware of the negatives, which can all be quantified logically; and I think I'm decently aware of the positives. The logic doesn't do the job so I'm looking for something to tip my emotions in the direction I want them to go.

Originally Posted by maximilian

That strikes me as not very reliable. It's easy to regret not doing things or lost opportunities. I'm not trying to discourage THC from having kids, but want to make sure he has properly balanced info. I actually like kids; their love of learning is very appealing. I just don't think it would offset the negatives. Being an uncle seems like the sweet deal to me.

It is indeed easy to regret lost opportunities, and I'd rather not regret them. It's also easy to regret seized opportunities and I'd rather not regret those either.

The uncle thing would work but my sister isn't providing me with that opportunity.

[GasSavers_maximilian]

I like to joke that life is a choice between guilt and regret: guilt for the things you do and regret for the things you don't.

I'm not an uncle either. My brother has no kids and is an insane jerk, so I hope it continues that way! When I move to a more populated area I might look into becoming a big brother. Don't know too much about it, though. At our local library I volunteered to install some shelving. A couple kids wanted to "help" me. Took about twenty minutes longer, but they learned a lot.

[FrugalFloyd]

Originally Posted by maximilian

That strikes me as not very reliable. It's easy to regret not doing things or lost opportunities.

But it's not offset by a similar number of parents regretting their decisions to have kids - not even by the single parents in poverty.